


I Hate That I Love You (But I Can’t Stop)

by jihoonbeingsoft



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Hand Jobs, Kissing, Love Confessions, M/M, Neck Kissing, Self Confidence Issues, but not really, i don’t know how to tag, i guess, smut later, the members are mentioned just a bit
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-03-09
Updated: 2019-07-15
Packaged: 2019-11-14 05:02:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 13,352
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18046001
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jihoonbeingsoft/pseuds/jihoonbeingsoft
Summary: This is all in Jihoon’s point of viewJihoon has come to realize that he has feelings for Jeonghan. He hates this and he tries so desperately to forget about it. But learns to accept it as hard as it is.





	1. Getting This Sorted Out

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first time writing so yeah.
> 
> One thing is I don’t know how to use commas so just stick with me and I know my grammar might not be the best.

Fuck I thought.

The reason I think this is because I have a crush on Jeonghan.

The bad thing about this is that he probably doesn’t even like me back and I don’t even think he likes boys and if he did I’m pretty sure he would like Seungcheol. 

 

I just don’t want to even pay attention to the feelings I have for him I just want to ignore them. I don’t need these feelings for him interfering with our friendship or the group. Uhhhh I just need to move on with my life. 

 

So I started getting ready for the day I got dressed and I was going out the room getting ready to eat breakfast with the rest of the members. Of course I could hear Soonyoung’s energetic voice from down the hallway. When I got to the kitchen everyone was mostly there with only Mingyu and Seungkwan still asleep. Hansol decided to go wake both of them up so we could eat breakfast together. 

 

While he was doing that I decided to sit beside Soonyoung and Wonwoo. I decided to talk about my feeling for Jeonghan to Soonyoung. But I wasn’t going to give away who it was and avoid the whole “who is it”. 

 

“Hey Soonyoung I need to talk to you about something” I told him in a whisper. “Okay what is it” Soonyoung whispered back. “Can we go to a place more private” I asked. “Yeah sure whatever you want” he said nicely. 

 

So we moved to my dorm where no one was in. “Okay what was it that you wanted to tell me” he asked looking curios. “I um I kind of maybe have a crush on someone” I said in a whisper. “Wait so you Jihoon has a crush on someone” he said in a teasing tone. “Shut up!!” I said whisper screaming while also hitting him repeatedly. “I do have a crush on someone but I’m not saying who just yet but I will say that it is someone from the group” I said. “Ahhhh” he said. “I wonder who it is that you have feelings for maybe it’s me” he said teasingly again. 

 

“Stop playing around Soonyoung I’m being serious I really do have a crush on someone in the group. I just don’t know how to deal with that kind of stuff. So that’s why I wanted to talk to you about it” I said quietly. “Well I’m glad that you came to me for advice but I feel like you should just take your time. Don’t let your feelings for that person take over your life for now just acknowledge that you have those feelings for that someone special. Just don’t be stupid about it and relax don’t stress to much about it. When you are ready to tell me who that person is that you like I won’t judge you I just want to see you happy because you are family to me to all of us. So just take your time and don’t rush it” he said sincerely. 

 

“Thank you Soonyoung” I said. I felt like hugging him so I did. He really helped me on this whole situation and I feel a bit better now. I’m glad that he helped me out with this I really am. 

 

“Let’s go back I think they might be wondering where we went or why we’re taking so long” I said whole opening the door. We walked down the hallway and toward the kitchen and when we came back Mingyu and Seungkwan were awake and talking away. “What were you and Soonyoung doing that took so long we were waiting for you two” Jeonghan said. Like I guessed someone was going to ask where we have been. “I told you someone was going to ask” I whispered to Soonyoung. He just started giggling. 

 

“It was nothing Jihoon just needed to tell me something” Soonyoung said. “Okay well you two sit down we’re going to eat soon” Jeonghan said. So we did we sat down like how we were sitting just before I had to tell him about the situation. 

 

I laid my head on Soonyoung’s shoulder hopefully no one would ask why. I had my eyes closed but I could feel pairs of eyes staring at me so I couldn’t ignore it and I opened my eyes to see everyone staring at me. “What” I asked. “It’s weird seeing you like that with Soonyoung you usually hate doing skinship with him” Seungcheol said. “Oh” I said. “Well I just feel like doing it with him” I said. When I said that everyone went silent for a bit and went back to talking to each other. 

 

When breakfast was finally made everyone started getting their food and sharing their food with each other. When I got the amount of food I was going to eat I sat back down and laid me head on Soonyoung’s shoulder. 

 

I couldn’t help but see Jeonghan and Seungcheol being touchy they’re always like that. I couldn’t help but groan a bit and I buried my head on Soonyoung’s shoulder. He noticed me groan and started rubbing my back “It’s alright I know it hurts right now but it gets better and I’ll be there for you okay” Soonyoung was really caring and I like that about him. “Okay I believe you” I said in a whisper so no one could hear me. “Just eat okay” he said. 

 

So I did I started eating when I finished eating Soonyoung was still eating so I just waited for him to finish eating. I just don’t feel like talking to anyone besides him. 

 

When he finished eating I just started following him to the practice room. “Do you want to practice with me or practice by yourself or just watch me practice.” he asked. “The first option is fine” I said. “Alright” he said. 

 

By the end of us practicing we were a sweating mess “Thank you for everything Soonyoung I really appreciate it” I said. “No problem Jihoon if I can help in anyway I can I would” he said. 

 

“Let’s go take a shower we need one after practicing for so long we stink” I said while giggling. We decided on me taking a shower first and then him. I took a quick shower so he wouldn’t need to wait long.


	2. Nightmare

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jihoon gets a nightmare but Jeonghan is thankfully there to help him calm down.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I noticed on the first one I did two spaces and when I looked back at it but it didn’t look good. So I’m gonna change it to one space in between.

After I was done taking a shower I headed for my room to take a nap. 

“No one will ever love you” “Your not important” “You’ll just ruining everything” I keep hearing these awful things and it won’t stop I just want it to stop please I’m begging I just want it to stop. 

That’s when I woke up to someone calling my name it was Jeonghan. 

“What happened” I asked out of breath. “I was walking down the hallway when I heard a scream luckily it wasn’t too loud for anyone else to hear but me but are you okay Jihoon” Jeonghan asked worriedly. 

“Yeah I’m okay I just had a nightmare that’s all” I said still out of breath. 

I want to see Soonyoung right now I just feel like crying and I really don’t want Jeonghan watching me cry after I said I was fine even though I know he doesn’t believe that. 

I could feel my eyes getting watery shit shit shit please don’t cry please don’t. But I couldn’t stop my eyes from watering more and more until I started crying. Fuck the one thing I didn’t want to do I do it. 

“Jihoon why are you crying did I do something wrong um can I-I sorry should I get Soonyoung” Jeonghan asked. “No please don’t just stay here please I don’t want him or anyone to worry about me” I pleaded. “Okay I’ll stay with you” Jeonghan said. 

Tears kept coming and I couldn’t stop them from falling. I scooted closer to Jeonghan till I was beside him and I laid my head on his shoulder. I started playing with his hand to calm myself whenever I touch him physically like play with his hand I always calm down a bit. 

It was helping with the tears but then I hugged him and I just kept hugging him and I sat on his lap so it wouldn’t be such an uncomfortable position for me or him. 

“I hope this isn’t bothering you” I said my voice wavering. “It doesn’t I promise I just want you to feel better” Jeonghan said. 

We stayed like that for a few more minutes until I fully calmed down and I let go of the hug and sat in front of him. 

“What kind of dream did you have to make you scream like that Jihoon and don’t play stupid with me tell me the truth and don’t you dare say it was nothing it wasn’t nothing if it made you scream” Jeonghan said seriously. 

“I dreamt of these voices saying I was worthless and I wasn’t important I was useless and I wanted these voices to stop” I said in a shaky voice I could tell I was going to cry soon again. 

Jeonghan grabbed my hand and started playing with my fingers and rubbing them trying to calm me down. “Jihoon don’t believe that you are important you’re not worthless you’re not any of those things your dream said you were. If you weren’t here we wouldn’t have been Seventeen we also wouldn’t have been as successful as we are right now. Without you I don’t know what we would’ve been right now Jihoon. You do matter your family and we care about you deeply” Jeonghan said. 

I took a moment for everything he said to process I squeezed his hand and smiled at him “Don’t tell anyone about this okay” I said. “Okay” he said. 

“Can you stay here with me for a bit until it looks like I haven’t been crying” I asked. “Sure” he said. 

When it looked like I hadn’t been crying for the last few minutes we both walked out of the room. 

Thankfully no one said why we walked out together. 

I wanted to talk to Soonyoung about this but at the same time I didn’t so I just decided on not telling him for now.


	3. Going Out

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They go out an eat. They come back then go out again.

Since it was five o’clock we were going to eat lunch. 

There wasn’t any food at the house so we decided if we should eat out or buy groceries and cook the food. 

We gathered everyone and we took a vote for going out and eat or buying groceries. Everyone voted on going out and eating so everyone started getting ready to go out. 

Seungcheol and Jisoo were going to pay for the meal. Which is a surprise but at least now we didn’t have to fight over who was going to pay for the meal. 

We got in the car and went to the closet restaurant we could find. 

We all got out and took our seats I sat beside Jeonghan and Junhui. 

The waitress took our orders which was a lot well there was thirteen of us so what could you expect. 

But hopefully it wouldn’t take long because I was starving and I’m pretty sure everyone else was also starving. 

I just wanted to stay silent and hopefully no one would talk to me after that dream/nightmare I wasn’t in the mood for anything besides eating. I took out my phone got my earbuds and started playing music to keep me calm and get my mind rid of that nightmare. 

The food finally came and when it did I started chowing down on the food. Everyone else was chowing down on their food which I’m guessing they were also as hungry as I was. 

When everyone finished eating we went back to the house but I wanted to go out and walk for a bit. 

I asked everyone if they wanted to join and they all said sure. 

We went out again and started walking randomly and we just started talking to each other. I bet we were so loud people either got annoyed by how loud we are or they just ignored us. 

“Hey Jihoon are you feeling better” Jeonghan whispered to me. “I guess I’m not really sure for myself I’m just trying to keep my mind off of it” I whispered back. “Okay” he said sweetly but also with a hint of concern in his voice. 

He started rubbing my back and pulling me closer to him. I just let him do that I wanted someone’s touch after what happened and it helped that he was rubbing my back and I could feel his warmth. I started unconsciously rubbing my head on his shoulder I didn’t even notice until the rest of the members were saying “awwwww” and I just glared at them. 

“Thank you again Jeonghan for everything I-I just don’t want people to think I’m weak I don’t want them to see me as a weakling” I said feeling like I was gonna cry all over again. 

“Hey Hey Hey you don’t need to feel like that everyone feels like that some point in there life. It’s okay if you feel like that just don’t bottle it up because that just makes everything worse. I’m glad you told me all of this because I can help you get through this and you don’t need to face to alone. I can hear that you are about to cry do you want me to take you somewhere else” he said and I could tell that he was sincere about what he said and that’s what I love about him but he could never love me back because I wouldn’t make him happy. I would just hold him down I would make his life worse like I am right now making him worry about me when he shouldn’t. “No I feel fine Jeonghan” I said but I know my voice was betraying me. 

“Jihoon don’t play like that with me I’m going to excuse us and take you somewhere else if you like it or not” he said seriously. “Okay” I said softly. 

“Hey I need to take Jihoon somewhere I’ll call you when we’re done so I know where you guys are” Jeonghan said to Seungcheol. “Okay” Seungcheol said. 

Jeonghan grabbed my hand and started taking me to a store. 

He took me to the stores bathroom and locked us in one of the stalls. 

“Jihoon if you want to cry then cry here no one is in here I locked the stall and none of the members are here. Don’t hold it back just let it happen” he said. 

So I did I started crying. I laid my head on his chest and started crying. I grabbed his shirt tightly and I didn’t want to let go ever. 

I just wanted to stay here with. He started rubbing my back telling me to let it all out. 

I felt like a child crying like this crying on Jeonghan like he’s my mom. 

Jeonghan is the worst and best thing that happened to me. The worst because he makes me feel things about him but I know he’ll never feel those things back for me. Best because he makes me feel those things that I haven’t felt before maybe I have but not as strongly for anyone like that. He makes me feel safe he comforts me when I feel sad like right now. I want him to know I have these feeling for him but at the same time I don’t. 

Just thinking about this makes me want to cry more so I did. 

“Everything is going to be okay you’re safe Jihoon you’re safe with me I’m here for you” he said in a sweet whisper. I just nodded and started wiping my tears away. 

“Do you feel better now” he asked. “Yeah” I said. “Do you want to stay here for a bit and calm down a bit” he asked. I just nodded. 

I was calming down my breaths trying to act like I didn’t cry for like the second time today. 

“I’ll call Seungcheol to see where they are right now okay” he said. “Okay” I said. 

“They’re at a clothing store” he said. They’re probably there because of Minghao and Mingyu. 

When I finally calmed down I told Jeonghan that we could go. 

We walked out and started heading for the clothing store while we were walking toward the clothing store I couldn’t help myself but grab Jeonghan‘s hand and start playing with it. 

He didn’t mind at least and didn’t question it and hopefully he didn’t find this weird because I do this somewhat often with him. 

When we finally arrived there I didn’t stop playing with his hand I kept doing it he started rubbing my hand and he intertwined our fingers. 

This really helped me calm down because in the end I was calm down and back to my normal self. 

When we found the rest of the group no one asked why we had to leave or any of that which I was happy about and thankfully no one noticed me and Jeonghan holding hands. 

No one bought any clothes which was a surprise to me since usually at least someone ends up buy jewelry of a piece of clothing. 

We all decided to head back home and play a game

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I have some of the story planned out as in only the beginning parts.
> 
> So later on my post are going to be everywhere cause I got school 😍🤪


	4. Why Did I Do This

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jihoon sleep with Jeonghan in the same bed and stuff happens.

When we got back home not everyone wanted to play and one of those people were me. 

Jeonghan, Wonwoo, Chan, and Seokmin also didn’t want to play. So they sat on the couch with me. 

I had no clue what they were playing. I was going to ask Jeonghan but I didn’t in the end because I didn’t feel like it. 

The game went on for two hours so it was around nine’o’clock. 

Everyone started getting ready to go to bed. Even though I didn’t feel like going to sleep I just went with it. 

One thing that’s a problem is the dream situation. The only one that knows about this is Jeonghan and I don’t want anyone else knowing about this. I don’t want Wonwoo hearing me scream in the middle of the night asking what’s wrong. I would rather sleep with Jeonghan then go through that again. 

Since Jeonghan and Seungcheol shared a room. I would just rather tell him if I could switch rooms with him for tonight. If he asked me why I would just have to say it’s for “personal reasons”. 

“Jeonghan” I said. “Hmmm” he said. “I’m going to ask if I can switch rooms with Seungcheol. I just don’t want anyone to hear me scream in the middle of the night” I said. “Okay as long as you feel safe” he said. 

So I went to go find Seungcheol. I found him in his room he shares with Jeonghan and he was getting ready to go to bed. 

“Hey... Seungcheol could we... maybe switch rooms??” I asked. “Yeah sure. I won’t ask I’ll just get my stuff okay” he said. I just nodded. 

So as he was getting ready to get his stuff I also started getting my stuff ready. 

When we finished switching rooms I started getting ready to go to bed. I laid down on Seungcheol’s bed but for some reason I couldn’t sleep. 

I really wanted to sleep with Jeonghan like sleep in the same bed as him. But I’m too scared to do that. But at the same time I’m desperate so I couldn’t help myself. 

“Jeonghan can I sleep in the same bed as you?” I asked. “Yeah if that makes you sleep better” he said. 

So I got out of Seungcheol’s bed and headed for Jeonghan’s bed. 

I got situated in his bed but I couldn’t help but say something. “I feel like I’m taking advantage of you. Like just because something like that happen doesn’t mean that you should just say yes to everything I ask for” I said. 

“Jihoon it’s not the matter that you’re taking advantage of me. I want you to feel safe. I want you to forget all your worries. I care about you and I want you to be happy and always be happy” he said. 

After that I didn’t talk and we were left in silence but it wasn’t bad. 

I was trying to find a comfortable position to sleep in but I couldn’t find one. 

I ended up facing Jeonghan’s chest and my face on his chest a little. I could feel Jeonghan moving as well. I felt his arm sliding to my waist. But I couldn’t help but jump a little because not many people have done that to me. 

He pulled me closer to him till my face was on his neck. “Is that any better” he asked sweetly. I just stayed silent and that is my way of saying yes. 

I was trying to concentrate on his warmth and the feeling of his pulse. Like his whole aura is calming. This really helped me a lot because next thing you know I’m asleep. 

I woke up in the middle of the night but only because I needed to go to the restroom. After I was finished I went back to the room. 

I opened the door carefully trying my best not to make any noise to wake up Jeonghan. 

When I fully opened and closed the door I checked to see if Jeonghan woke up. Which thankfully he didn’t. 

I went to position myself back on the bed. But this time my back is facing him. I did this because I didn’t want to move a lot which could possibly wake up Jeonghan. So I just did it the easy way. 

I grabbed Jeonghan’s arm and wrapped it around my waist like he did the first time. 

I feel Jeonghan moving closer to me. I stiffened. I could feel his breath on my neck. Fuck why did this have to happen now out of all the time in the world it just had to be now. I could feel every single breath he was taking and letting out and I couldn’t help but shiver at the feeling. 

It would’ve of been better if I just slept in my own room. It would’ve been better if Wonwoo heard me scream why just why. I can feel my body getting hot and I can feel myself moving my hand over to place it on top of Jeonghan’s hand. 

When I did I couldn’t help but imagine his hand on my dick. I couldn’t help but imagine his fingers inside of me making me a mess. 

I couldn’t help myself and started moving Jeonghan’s hand toward my lower region until it hit the spot. 

I grabbed my shorts and started pulling them down with my free hand. It actually wasn’t that hard to get them down. 

I started moving his hand toward my dick and when his hand touched it I couldn’t help but moan. I covered my mouth on the pillow. Even with my hand so my moans couldn’t be heard. 

I made his finger run through the slit of my dick and I couldn’t help but moan loud. The feeling of his hand on that part of me felt amazing. 

I got his hand and started moving it toward my mouth and I put two of his finger in my mouth. 

After I was done doing that I started moving his hand back down. I grabbed one of his fingers and I tried to find my hole. It was a bit difficult finding it because of the position I was in. 

But when I did I inserted his finger in and I moaned. It was loud I could tell it was loud but thankfully I had my face in the pillow. It burned a little and it felt uncomfortable because I’ve never done this before it was my first time. It wasn’t exactly the proper way to do it either but I couldn’t help myself. 

I started moving it in and out in a steady rhythm. Then I added another finger and did the same except I quickened the pace. It felt so good. I was panting and moaning but I couldn’t stop even if I tried to make these noises stop. 

I know he could wake any moment but I didn’t stop. “Ahhh” I moaned out. Whatever I did it made me moan out loud and my eyes water a bit I want to feel it again. I was trying to find what made me feel so good. 

But I snapped out of it when I felt his finger tips twitch inside me. His fingers started moving inside of me and I moaned. 

“Jihoon what am I feeling” he asked. I know it was my imagination that I heard his voice with anger in it but he wasn’t angry with me he just asked a question. 

“Jihoon answer me or I’ll start feeling around whatever I’m touching” he said. I couldn’t say anything I was afraid of what he would say. So I stayed quiet not saying anything. 

And like he said he started moving his fingers. “Ahhh~ J-J-Jeonghan please more~~” I moaned out. I couldn’t think straight with his fingers moving inside of me. His finger curling around me and moving in and out. He kept going faster. “Mmmm ahhhhh please there right there” I begged. 

The whole fucking house could probably hear how loud I was being and how disgusting I am. 

He pulled his finger out of me and I whimpered at the lost of his fingers inside of me. 

I was still hard with pre cum leaking but I didn’t want to do anything about it. 

After he pulled out his fingers I realized what I just did. “Jihoon I’m not mad but I’m asking what did you while I was asleep” he asked. 

I was scared I didn’t know what to say. I kept quiet. He sat up and I could feel him move me to a sitting position and made me look at him. 

From waist down I was naked but thankfully I had an over size t-shirt on so I could hide my waist down. But even with that I didn’t want Jeonghan seeing me like this. I’m so disgusting and pathetic how could I do this. I could feel myself start to tear up but I forced the tears down. 

“I don’t wanna talk” I whispered. I know he knew what I did he just wanted to hear me say what I did. “It’s okay with what you did” he said. 

“How can that be okay Jeonghan!! What I did was disgusting and I should’ve never taken advantage of you like that!! It’s not o-okay it-it never will be okay Jeonghan” I said angered but my voice faltering at the end. I know I was crying. 

“Can we just go to sleep please and forget like it happened for now” I asked my voice small. “Yeah sure if that makes you happy” he said. 

He wrapped his arms around me and we laid down together. I was praying that he wasn’t mad at me. I don’t want this to ruin our friendship. I didn’t want to think about this anymore so I fell asleep even though it was hard to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know I haven’t posted in awhile. It’s because this whole week I was tired of school and so I didn’t get to post this. 
> 
> This was a longer chapter I think but I can’t tell
> 
> Also I have a fan account on insta so comment down if I should put my insta on here so you can follow my fan account.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jihoon talks to Jeonghan and Soonyoung about what happened.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I couldn’t think of a title sorry.

When I woke up I was still in that same position I was in when I went to sleep for the second time. 

For me it’s going to be a bit hard to act normal with Jeonghan after that incident that happened last night. But I know he would act like nothing happened which I’m thankful for. 

He is still sleeping so I decided to wake him up. “Jeonghan wake up. Jeonghannnnnnnn waaaaaaakkkkkke uuuuuupppppp” I said. Slowly he started waking up but I had to nudge him to make him fully wake up. 

“Hey um are you disgusted by me with what I did yesterday night” I whispered. “No I’m fine with it” he said. “How could you be fine with that wouldn’t you be a little disgusted I just don’t get why you aren’t. Why you don’t hate me. I just wonder why up put up with me” I said. 

“Jihoon the reason I put up with you is because you’re my friend and my family” he said. “But family or friends don’t grab someone’s hand and masturbate and finger themselves with that person’s hand” I said angry. 

“Jihoon listen to me calm down. The reason I didn’t mind you doing that is because I could tell your emotions were out of control yesterday and I let it slide. If you were normal that day I don’t know what I would’ve done to be honest” he said with the last part being whispered. 

But I still heard him and it didn’t help the situation at all for me. I just kept thinking of me finally telling him my feelings for him and him rejecting them. It was like my nightmare coming to life and he was saying all those awful things to me that those random voices were saying about me. 

“I know my emotions were a mess that day but it doesn’t mean I could get away with that” I said. 

I could tell I was crying I could feel the tears rolling down my cheek what a great way to start off the morning. He got on the bed and picked me up and put me on his lap. I hid my head on the crook of his neck for the millionth time. 

He started rubbing my back and started talking “Hey calm down it’s okay I promise it’s okay” he said. I let out a shaky breath and I nuzzled my nose on his neck. He also laid his head on my neck and started kissing it I said nothing about it and let him do it. 

I intertwined our fingers together and I was finally calming down. 

For friends we sure are touchy but them again he is like that with everyone that’s why it’s so hard to know who he likes. But for me it’s different I’m usually not touchy like this at times I can be but not mostly. So for me I feel like people can see when I like someone. 

He grabbed my face and stared at me and I let my eyes linger for a second before I broke the eye contact. 

“Jihoon do you like anyone in the group” he asked. I was shocked for a second because of what he said how am I suppose to answer fuck why does he even want to know. Guess I have to tell him I do but not who. “I-I do like-like someone in the group” I said in a whisper. 

I could feel him tighten his grip on my wrist and it started to hurt. On accident I yelped and he said sorry in a whisper. “It’s okay” I said. He started rubbing and kissing my wrist where he tightened his grip. I stared at him while he was rubbing and kissing my wrist. 

But I’m curious as ever and I have to ask why did he do it. “Why did you tighten your grip” I asked curious. “No reason” he said. And I dropped it at that. 

“Do you like someone in the group Jeonghan” I asked. Of course he liked someone and that someone was Seungcheol why should I be surprised if he said yes. 

“I do actually I like someone in the group” he said. Like I fucking guessed he likes someone. I payed no attention to how my heart was hurting and how I wanted to cry I just held it in. “I’m not saying who I like and I’m guessing the same goes for you huh” I said. He just nodded. 

We stayed in the same position for a few more minutes until I got off his lap and headed to my room to get ready. 

After I was done I had to look for Soonyoung and tell him about everything even though it’s really embarrassing. 

I headed for the living room and he was there sitting on the sofa “Hey can I talk to you in private again” I asked. “Yeah sure” he said. 

We headed to my room and thankfully Wonwoo wasn’t there. 

“Okay so I’m not going to say why but Seungcheol and I switched rooms for yesterday night and only that night hopefully. I couldn’t sleep so I asked Jeonghan if I could sleep with him he said yes. But I woke up to use the bathroom and when I went back I don’t know what came over me. I grabbed Jeonghan’s hand and started to masturbate with it and also fingered myself with his hand” I said getting embarrassed and saying that last few part quietly. 

“Wait so you masturbated and fingered your self with his hand what the fuck Jihoon” he said somewhat loudly. “Shut up lower your voice the others could hear us” I said harshly. “Yeah I know that’s why I’m telling you I’m fucked up I know” I said. 

“No you aren’t I’m just wondering why you would do that” he said. “I don’t know either” I said. “Well it’s now or never the person I have a crush on is Jeonghan. Yeah I know I fucked up real bad” I said. “Wow that’s just wow” he said. “Yeah I know” I said. 

“Also this morning he told me out of nowhere if I liked someone in the group I told him I did but didn’t say who. I asked him the same question and he also said he liked someone and like me he didn’t say who. I just feel like if he were to like someone in the group it would be Seungcheol because of how touchy they are” I said. 

“Hey I know it might seem like that but he might like you back but you’re to concentrated on him not liking you back that it blinds you” he said. “Just try not to act weird around him okay” he said. “Okay” I said. 

We went out to go see the rest of the group Soonyoung was rubbing my back which somewhat helped. 

We sat on the couch together and I laid my head on his shoulder. I watched whatever he was watching on his phone. 

He was just watching dance covers of all different songs he really takes dancing serious huh. I’m the same but just with everything in general that’s why I’m so stressed almost like everyday. 

But I kept watching the random videos. We also started watching some seventeen videos that some fans made they were compilations of us being just ourself but they were funny that’s something. 

We also started watching some videos where they paired two of the members. But of course there had to be videos of Jeonghan and Seungcheol out there like why wouldn’t there be. “Don’t pay attention to that just ignore it” he said. So I did I ignored it. 

But there was one where it had Soonyoung and I. He clicked on it and all I could do was laugh the whole entire time but so was he. “Oh my god guess what Jihoon I can’t believe it but I like you” he said jokingly. I couldn’t help but burst out laughing. “You know what when we are at fan signs or do anything that fans would see we should act all lovey dovey” I said while giggling. “That’s a plan” he said. We were both a giggling mess. 

We don’t like each other like that we’re just really close friends that’s all. 

We kept watching these videos I never knew there were so many pairs in this group I mean there are thirteen of us. 

“Personally I pair Hansol and Seungkwan the most and with a bit of Minghao and Mingyu. Can’t wait to keep a close eye on them for there moments” I said while laughing a bit. 

“Yeah me too but I also pair Mingyu and Wonwoo so I guess we’re going to see who is superior” he said while also laughing. 

“Oh yeah one thing I forgot to tell you that I found weird was when I told Jeonghan that I like someone in the group he tightened his grip on my arm” I said. “Well maybe cause he’s jealous” he said. “Oh yeah suuuuurrrrrre he was” I said.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don’t know if any of you like this or if this is good. But I’ll still continue it until I have a ending which I don’t at the moment. 
> 
> Also here my Instagram (my fan account) softlittlejihoon cause why not.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Soonyoung helps Jihoon take his mind off thing but Jeonghan later gets in the middle of it

After that we kept watching more videos. 

After awhile I got up and headed to the kitchen cause I was hungry since we didn’t eat breakfast so someone had to cook it. But I surely didn’t want to I’m to lazy to do that so I told Soonyoung if he could make breakfast. Of course he didn’t want to either even though he was also hungry and I bet everyone else was too. So I just decided even though I didn’t want to cook breakfast. Soonyoung is going to help me make breakfast. 

Everyone was to busy on their phone or talking to pay attention to us making breakfast. When we finished making breakfast Soonyoung and I called everyone to the kitchen to eat. 

“Thank god you guys made breakfast I was getting really hungry” Mingyu said but right after he said that Minghao hit his head. “Owwww what was that for Minghao” Mingyu said. “Because if you were that hungry why didn’t you get your ass down here to make yourself and the other some” Minghao said. All I could do was laugh and wink at Soonyoung and he brust out laughing. Guess I’m up by one point. 

Once everyone got seated Soonyoung and I put out everything on the table and everyone started getting food. Everyone was chowing down and some of them would get more when they finished with what they had while others left to go do whatever they were doing. 

When everyone finished some stayed in the kitchen while others left. Soonyoung and I started cleaning up the dishes and everything. “Guess I’m ahead did you see that interaction with Minghao and Mingyu” I said while giggling. “Yeah that sucks only if Wonwoo saw he would’ve been so jealous you don’t even know” he said while pouting. We both just burst out laughing. 

But then Jeonghan got in between us and started helping us clean the dishes. I looked at Soonyoung and he winked at me but I just rolled my eyes. Soonyoung came over to my side and whispered “I think he got a little jealous”. I just elbowed him and smacked him “Ow what was that for” he said “It’s because you’re being stupid that’s why” I said. 

“Hurry up you two and stop playing around” Jeonghan said. “See he’s jealous” Soonyoung said. I still rolled my eyes at him and continued cleaning up. 

I could feel someone’s arm around my waist while washing the dishes and I could tell it was Jeonghan. Soonyoung was all the way on the other side of the kitchen so it couldn’t be him so it’s Jeonghan. 

My heart is starting to beat really hard and fast why is he doing this why. I swear if he knows I have a crush on him and he’s just doing this to play with me this is going to be one hell of a ride. 

I let him keep his arm around my waist only when I move to do something he let’s go and when I come back he puts his arm around me again. 

Whenever Soonyoung tries to move toward me or looks like he’s trying to talk to me I always feel Jeonghan pulling me closer to him and I can also feel his grip tighten around me. It feels like he’s trying to get me away from Soonyoung. 

I don’t want to get my hopes high when it comes to him liking me. Whatever just ignore his arm imagine it’s not even there. 

“I need to talk to you after this okay” Jeonghan whispered in my ear. 

I could feel my ears turning red but I just ignored it and nodded. 

When we were finished doing the dishes and cleaning up the kitchen Jeonghan grabbed my hand and took me to his room. 

“What did you want to talk about Jeonghan” I whispered. “I wanted to talk to you about who you liked” he said. 

Oh fuck he’s probably going to say that I like Soonyoung or some shit because of lately I’ve been clinging onto him. 

“I want to say that you like Soonyoung but you probably don’t like him like that. You just like him as a friend because you two have been so close. So that marks him out. Also I know anyone that is younger then you. You won’t like them so that marks a bit of people.” He said. 

Fuck fuck fuck I swear to god if he knows that I like him right here. When I’ve barely shown any sign well actually that’s a lie kind of I have been clingy with him lately but I think he’s too oblivious to notice that I like him. 

“But I still don’t know who you like so don’t worry about it” he said. “Well since your talking about who I like at least give me a hint on who you like” I said. “One hint is that they are younger then me and that they are in the same unit as me” he said. 

Wait so he doesn’t like Seungcheol. But then that could mean that he likes Jisoo because he’s also really close with Jisoo and when watching those videos with Soonyoung there were some with the pair of him and Jisoo. 

Wow well I guess if he finds out I like him he’s going to be disappointed in me. 

But he probably won’t stop talking to me he’ll just probably make small talk. Then everyone is going to figure out that I like him and it’s just going to be a whole fucking mess.

I’m just stressing myself out I need to calm down. I really need to calm down. I don’t need to cry for the hundredth time. 

I’m guessing that I was showing that I was stressing out because Jeonghan started rubbing my hand which he knows calms me down. 

“I’m just scared of how you and the rest of the group and my crush is going to feel about me liking them because I know I’m just a weakling and I’m nothing that’s important. Sorry I keep making everything about me you’re probably annoyed by me talking about all my problems when you’re probably dealing with yours by yourself” I said knowing that I probably shedded a few tears. 

“Hey you don’t need to worry about how I would feel when you come out to your crush because I’ll support you. I just want to see you happy with the one you love. If the rest don’t approve or like that then ignore them but I know they would never do that to you. They care to much about you to ever hurt you and get you down. Also I don’t keep my feelings bottled up I talk to Seungcheol about my feelings and who I like that’s why we’re so close it’s not because I like him because I don’t. I talk to him about those things because I didn’t want you to think about your issues and my issues and pile them on yours” he said. “But that’s what I’m doing to you I’m telling you my issues and you have your own” I said. “It’s okay Jihoon I just don’t want you to keep them in because I know for you it’s hard to express yourself and feeling toward other people. That’s why I don’t mind you telling me your problems” he said. “But doesn’t it tire you out or annoy you” I said. “No I promise like I said it doesn’t bother me at all” he said. “Okay” I whispered. 

I laid my head on his shoulder and stayed there for a bit but I started to close my eyes and I guess I started sleeping. 

I woke up to see that I was beside Jeonghan beside me on the bed. I stayed there beside him for a bit more until I woke him up. 

When we both woke up it was around three o’clock so the members would probably be just hanging around or out somewhere. 

“Hey Jihoon want to go somewhere like to stores, shopping or whatever. But just us two if that’s okay” he said. “Yeah sure I don’t mind let’s just get ready” I said. 

So he started going through his clothes getting ready while I was going out of his room. 

I went into my room and chose a white long sleeve shirt, some black jeans, black and white tennis shoes. Jeonghan wore a gray long sleeve shirt, some blue jeans and black tennis shoes. 

Of course he looked good well I always think he looks good in anything he wears. 

“Well let’s get going shall we” he says. 

We got out and start walking to the car Jeonghan is going to drive so I’m going to sit in the passengers seat. 

Hopefully fans don’t see us well they haven’t been a problem so far because no one has been paying attention so far. 

Jeonghan parks the car and we get out and start walking around. 

We stopped by somewhere to eat first since we were both hungry I could see that he was taking pictures of me but I didn’t say anything. 

When we finished we went to a clothing store we just looked around but didn’t buy anything. All I hear is a “Jihoon and Jeonghan oh my god oh my god!!!” before I turn around wondering who called our names to see these two girls looking shocked and excited. 

Shit of course the day I’m alone with him do fans ever see us but hey I love our fans. We stay put and wait for them to greet us. 

“Can we take a picture with you two” one of the girls says. “Sure” I said. 

We take a picture with the fans and they both say thank you. “Hey one more thing you two look cute together as in a couple” one of them says while running away while her friend follows her. 

I could feel my ears turning red and hopefully Jeonghan didn’t notice that. 

Why would they say that oh god is it one of those “ships” that the fans do. 

“Come on let’s just go” Jeonghan said. 

That would be the best because all I can think about right now is that a fan a carat just said that we look “cute” together as in we are a “couple cute”. 

I just need to stop thinking about what they said and move on. 

We keep walking trying to find anything but we don’t find anything interesting. 

But while walking Jeonghan starts holding my hand and rubbing it. I could feel myself get less tense which I didn’t even notice myself get tense in the first place. 

After what that girl said I can’t keep it off my mind I can’t keep thinking of this I have to stop. 

I start moving closer toward him I don’t know why but I just love physical contact with him I just feel safe when I’m with him and when he’s touching me. 

We keep walking but in the end we don’t buy anything

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know I haven’t been posting daily but I promise I’m not going to discontinue this. It’s just that schools an ass and exams are in like 2 months well almost in a month. 
> 
> Also my Instagram is softlittlejihoon and I post there every now and then


	7. Talking Then Crying and Some More Talking

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They talk about what happened with the girls when they went out and other things.

We both head to the car I get in the passenger seat because Jeonghan suggested he drive. So I said okay. 

While heading back to the place I couldn’t help but think about what the girl said again. I was imagining myself with Jeonghan being happy together. We could be ourself out in public with no one judging us. The members accepted us being together and happy. 

But I wish it were that easy I just wish it were that easy to come out to Jeonghan and say that I have a crush on him. That I’m in love with him. That he’s the only thing I think about everyday. That I need him in my life. 

It just sounds like I’m a desperate worthless person right now but that’s all I think about. 

Well I guess this is a hard subject on me because I can feel tears rolling down my cheek. Shit I can’t let Jeonghan see me like this. This is going to make him stressed after all that he’s done for me. I don’t want him to worry about me. 

I just need to pretend like I’m yawning so that I can wipe my face so it won’t look suspicious. So I did I yawned and wiped my face of the tears and thankfully I don’t think Jeonghan noticed me crying. 

But I guess I was wrong cause he started rubbing my hand “what’s wrong” Jeonghan asked. Nothing can go past his eyes. It’s like he sees everything. 

“It’s nothing I was just thinking about stuff and I guess it made me cry while thinking about it” I said. “Remember you can tell me anything. Don’t hold it in please Jihoon be honest with me” he said while pleading the last part. He parked outside the house and turned to look at me “tell me what’s wrong jihoon please” he pleaded. “It’s just I was thinking about what the fans said earlier. I was thinking about how the person I like and how we could be happy together and people supporting us” I said while my voice wavering. “Jihoon I promise everything is going to be alright. You have us to support you we would never abandon you” he said. 

“Come on let’s go back in” he said after a few seconds. While getting out of the car he wrapped his arm around my waist and after this morning and what happened just now I felt safe. I felt safe around his arms and only his. I couldn’t help myself but to get closer to him. I love him. There was nothing that could change that even if I wanted to for the better. I could never stop loving him never. 

I could feel myself start to cry again. 

Everyone always sees me as a tough guy that rarely or never cry’s but the truth is I do. When it comes to subjects that are touchy to me I cry for the worst and I hate it I hate that I do this to myself. 

I stop Jeonghan from walking and I stand right in front of him never showing my face to him. Hiding that fact that I was crying once more. But I know he knows that I’m crying I’m certain of it. 

I hug him and he starts hugging me back. 

Even though he has to bend down a little because of my height he doesn’t mind. There are many things he doesn’t mind about me but I find that part of myself the worst part but he loves those parts of me. Another reason to add to the fact that I like him he’s nice and caring. 

I can feel him trying to carry me and he does I wrap my legs around his waist and let him carry me. He carries me all the way to his room and honestly I don’t even care what the other think I just don’t want them knowing that I’m crying right now. 

When we make it to his room I couldn’t help but think of last night of what I did. And I hate it. I can feel the flashback crawling back at me but I just shove it down my brain. 

I feel helpless I feel alone in a place where I don’t think I can escape. And I desperately want to get out but I can’t and I try so hard but I can’t. All these things happen for a purpose but so far this is some bullshit I have to put up with if I really have a purpose. 

I can feel Jeonghan rubbing my back and he started kissing me. He’s kissing me on the top of my head, my neck, my cheeks even my nose. I could feel my whole face turning red but hopefully it wasn’t. 

I wish I could just say that I like him already so I can finally get rejected and move on. But I know I’m weak. I know I’m just going to break down. I know I’m going to run away and lock myself in my room. 

So I’m not going to yet. All I can do is stay in Jeonghan’s hold and cry. 

Crying is all I do and honestly if he wasn’t patient with me. He wouldn’t pay as much attention to me as he does right now. I don’t think anyone has payed as much attention to me as he has. 

Why do I have to be that one person that has unrequited feelings. I’m going to be lonely in this world of millions of people aren’t I. 

I tighten my grip on his shirt as I sob uncontrollably on it. 

“Jeonghan you said everything will be alright in the end but why do I have to suffer. Why does the person I like not noticing me. Jeonghan I want to be loved. But why can’t I why. Just why” I said sobbing into his shirt. “Jihoon I promise it’s going to get better sooner or later” he said soothingly. “BUT WHY DOES IT HAVE TO BE LATER WHEN IM ALREADY HURTING SO MUCH. Just-why” I yelled choking up at the end. “Why am I always the one ending up crying” I said. I can feel Jeonghan’s hands going up to cup my face. I let him do it. I don’t have the energy to stop him from doing it. “Jihoon look at me when I say this I promise it will I mean it will get better. You just have to wait for it” he said seriously but I could see in his eyes that he was also tearing up. “I’ve waited long enough for it and I’m sick and tired of waiting for the right moment” I said voice cracking. 

I’ve stopped crying. 

“Honestly I’m so fed up with this crush that I’m going to confess tomorrow” I said. “Okay Jihoon but if anything bad happens come to me okay” he said. I just nodded. 

“Can we stay like this” I asked. “Sure” he said. 

I’m glad the conversation ended calmly. At least tomorrow I’ll get to know how he truly feels about me. 

I feel the tiredness of my eyes taking affect. Probably because of all my crying but I could careless. I don’t care at this point sleeping is the least of my worries. Even if that nightmare comes back to haunt me right now. 

I’m literally sitting on Jeonghan’s lap. 

So I’ll be fine if I have another nightmare like that. 

And at that I let my tiredness of today take over. 

I wake up to see that Jeonghan is beside me on his bed. I can’t help shudder thinking about what happened last time I was on this bed. But I ignore the crawling flashback again. 

I look at the time and see it’s ten o’ clock at night. I don’t want to wake up Jeonghan so I go back to sleep. 

I wake up to Jeonghan calling out my name. 

I look at the clock and it nine o’clock. 

I sit up an stretch trying to wake up. “Come on let’s go get breakfast” he said. “Okay” I said. 

So I got up and followed him to the kitchen. 

Today is the day I finally get to tell him I like him. 

When I sit down this time to eat I sit down beside Jeonghan. I don’t care if everyone thinks it’s weird I just want to be left alone right now and only acknowledge Jeonghan’s presence. I lay my head on his shoulder as everyone is waking up. And as they are preparing the food. 

When they’re finished cooking I get everything I’m gonna eat and start eating. 

Honestly I’m not in the mood for anything so I didn’t get much. And the little bit I did get I just picked at it and barely ate. 

I know Jeonghan is going to ask why I’m not eating but that’s a later problem. 

I’m rethinking do I really want to confess today or not and wait awhile. After yesterday it wouldn’t be good to confess today. So I guess I’ll do it another day. 

Now I have to tell Jeonghan I’m not actually going to confess today. And that I’m going to confess another day. 

But I really have to set a dead line for myself so I won’t keep pushing it awhile like it’s no big deal. I’ll do it in two days or maybe even tomorrow if I feel like it. 

I ask some of the members if they want my food no one says yes so I just throw it away. 

I go to the living room trying to find Jeonghan which I do find him there. But he’s talking to Jisoo. So I wait for him to finish talking. 

I distract myself by going on my phone scrolling through Instagram. 

But I can’t help but hear Jeonghan’s laugh. I feel myself getting jealous because I know I could never make Jeonghan laugh like that. I would just make him miserable. He’s better off with someone else that isn’t me. 

As I was thinking I couldn’t hear anyone. I snapped out of it and realized that he’s on his phone and Jisoo was gone. 

Welp time to go tell him that I’m a coward. 

“Hey Jeonghan” I whispered. “Hmmm” he said. “I was just going to tell you that I’m not going to confess to them today. It’s just that it’s really bad timing after what happened yesterday. But I might do it tomorrow if not tomorrow definitely the next day.” I said. “That’s okay. Just go at your own pace so you can feel the most comfortable” he said. 

I sat down beside him not knowing what to do at the moment. It’s awkward well for me I don’t know about him. Maybe not because of how relax he is right now but who knows. 

I don’t know why but I just stare at his face. Of course out of all the members I had to fall in love with him. I don’t mean that in a bad way it’s just that I feel like he’s way I mean way out of my league. He probably just views me as a friend and nothing more. Which I hate. 

I’m daydreaming again and when I snap out of it he was staring back at me. I couldn’t help but look down and fidget with my hands. 

“What are you thinking about” he asked. Well there’s no point in lying. 

“About the person I like and how they’re out of my league and that they won’t like me” I said. “Jihoon” he said while cupping my face. “Look at me. Everything will turn out alright and if it doesn’t it’s okay” he said. Mmmm I said while nodding. 

I rested my head on his shoulder and stayed there while he has his arm wrapped around me. I could hear him mutter something under his breath I don’t know if I was suppose to hear it or not but I clearly heard it and I panicked on the inside . I really hope everything turns out good for you love he muttered.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> When I put “welp time to go tell him I’m a coward” I was so close to putting pussy instead of coward cause I’m so use to saying that. 
> 
> Also have your seen Jihoon’s recent post on insta cause it has ya boy Jeonghan in it and I literally screamed but not really cause my mom was in the same room as me so I couldn’t so I silently screamed
> 
> Also there’s a prom happening soon at my school but I’m not going cause that’s a no for me
> 
> This is the last chapter that I have prepared so the next ones I have to write down and idk why it takes me long to update so I’m really sorry
> 
> If you want to follow me my Instagram is softlittlejihoon


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How what Jeonghan said affected Jihoon

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and Kudos are appreciated

What the fuck did he just say. No that can’t be. Maybe he didn’t even mean it. I should just forget it for now and think of how I should even confess to him.

I close my eyes and think of nothing. I just try to relax and live in the moment of peace (if I can even say that). 

I’m going to have to talk to Soonyoung after this so we can plan on how I’m going to confess. 

I open my eyes and I look at Jeonghan to see him have his eyes closed. I’ve always viewed Jeonghan as beautiful even sexy when dancing (if you know what I mean). He’s highly attractive and no one can change my mind about that.

I can’t stress enough about how I love his physical appearance and how I love what’s inside of him his personality and how he actually acts towards people. 

I stop starting at him and fiddle with my finger. He then holds my hand and I intertwine my fingers with his. He squeezes my hand. 

I look up at him and he kisses my forehead. This is the first time I don’t panic and feel at peace when he does it. I don’t know why but it feels nice either way.

I decide that we should go to the movie theater and watch a new release that I’ve been waiting for. Avengers Endgame. “Hey Jeonghan want to ask the other members of they want to go to the movie theater to watch Avengers Endgame” I ask. “Yeah sure why not cause I’m up for it” he said. 

So we got up and gathered the members around to see who would want to go see the movie. Turns out everyone wants to see the movie. 

We get ready to go to the movies. Everyone agrees to pay for their own ticket cause it’s the afternoon so they pay a bit more. So it would be a lot for just three or two people to pay. 

We get into three separate vans and drive to a decent theater which is around an hour or so away. 

When we got to the theater there’s a decent amount of people there. I mean then again it’s a school day. We each got our tickets and we went to our auditorium. 

We took almost the whole row for us to sit in. 

I sat beside Jeonghan (of course) and Chan. 

Honestly while the movie was going on I only payed attention to it and nothing else. I’m glad because with everything going on I needed this. I mean like I really needed this. I’ve been stressed with everything with this whole Jeonghan situation and self doubting myself. 

I continued to watch the movie and honestly I couldn’t keep my excitement I just have a love for marvel films and they never disappoint. 

I felt someone’s hand on mine so I looked down to see who’s hand it was. Of course it had to be Jeonghan who is holding my hand. I looked up at him when I did he looked at me and smiled. 

It doesn’t feel like he’s going to take his hand back anytime soon so I’ll just leave it. So I went back to watching the movie. 

It was during the end of the movie that I could barely hold in my excitement. It felt like I was a kid again reliving the first time I ever watch the first ever Iron Man movie. 

I squeezed Jeonghan’s hand when I witnessed Steve aka Captain America pick up Thor’s hammer Mjölnir. But when ‘The Vanished’ came back I couldn’t help but have a bright smile on my face and be filled with excitement. This is probably the first time I’ve felt this excited again after a long while.

I couldn’t help but look at Jeonghan and smile so brightly. I’m happy after such a long time but I know it’s going to fade soon but who cares. All I can do is just watch the screen intently and finally see all the heroes team up and I couldn’t be happier. 

Finally it was between Thanos and Tony Stark aka Iron Man the final battle. I’m on the edge of my seat waiting to see what’s going to happen next and I couldn’t wait. 

Then Tony got the gauntlet and all the infinity stones and I won’t ever forget what he says right here at this moment “I...am...Iron Man” then he snaps his fingers and finally the heroes have won. All of the enemies start turning into dust and they have finally won. 

But I couldn’t believe what happened next Tony sat down and Peter (Spider-Man) went over to him to tell him they won that they’ve finally won but this what also the first ever time Peter has referred to Tony as Tony not Mr.Stark it was Tony. 

It broke my heart seeing Peter watching a father like figure die in front of him. I couldn’t even help myself I started to shed a few tears myself and I squeezed Jeonghan’s hand tightly. 

We watched the little left of the movie there was and we left. While walking out of the auditorium we were in we didn’t talk but when we got out we looked at each other. 

I noticed that some of the members have puffy eyes and I bet that mine are the same while some aren’t. We just looked at each other saying nothing but we just started laughing at each other because of how stupid we must look. 

Simultaneously we all said that it’s a good movie. Better then a good movie it’s just too good to be a good movie of that makes any sense. 

We started exiting the movie theater. Since it was around dinner time we decided to eat out. 

We also decided to pay for our own food since we didn’t feel like bickering about who’s going to pay. I take a seat next to Soonyoung and on my left is Jeonghan. 

Thankfully I can try to whisper to Soonyoung to plan out the whole ‘confession’ thing. 

Hopefully Jeonghan won’t interfere with me talking to Soonyoung. When everyone is done ordering their food I decided to ask Soonyoung for help. 

“Hey sorry but I’m going to have to whisper everything to you so Jeonghan won’t hear me” I whispered to Soonyoung. “Yeah that’s okay” he said. “Okay well I didn’t exactly confess like I said I would. But I’m going to try to do it tomorrow or the day after. I just need to plan how to confess to him” I whispered. 

“Well honestly I’m going to be that typical person that says that you just need to go with the flow of how you feel right then an there. I mean I can’t think of a plan but just go with whatever you feel like. And yes I know I’m just being typical you don’t need to tell me” he whispered. “Okay I’ll try to do it tomorrow hopefully I won’t back down” I whispered. 

I can see the waitress coming with our food. She puts everyone’s plates on the table. After she’s done we all start eating and talking as loud as possible cause how can we not. 

I can feel myself subconsciously lean against Jeonghan. Hopefully he won’t mind but then again he doesn’t mind a lot of things I do with him. 

We all finished eating so we get up to go pay for our food. After we finished paying for our food we head for the vans. 

I settle down beside Jeonghan. Even though today wasn’t as ‘stressful’ as the other days if I can even say that I’m tired. 

So I lay me head on Jeonghan’s shoulder and drift off. 

I can feel someone nudge me to wake up but I only groan. I open on eye up to see Jeonghan nudging me to get up. 

Looks like we made it back. We get out of the van and looks like everyone is still talking about the movie. But I just stay quite I’m too tired to talk I mean don’t get me wrong I would love to talk about all the callbacks to the other movie but I’m just too tired. 

As we get in I go straight to my shared room with Wonwoo and I go straight to me bed. I don’t care that I’m in my normal clothes and not my pajamas. 

As I was drifting off to sleep again I hear the door creak open. I open my eyes to see who it is. Turns out it’s Jeonghan. I don’t feel like sitting up so I’m staying laying down. “You’re going to sleep already” he said. “Yeah I guess I was just really tired today” I said. “Okay” he said while walking towards me. 

I only stare at him while he’s walking closer. I feel him getting closer to my face but maybe it’s because he’s going to kiss my forehead and say goodnight. 

He’s centimeters away from my face and I just stare at his face. He looks down at my lips it’s hard for me to shy away from him when he does this. 

He starts getting closer to my face when he lightly lays a peck on my lips and whispers a goodnight as he walks away. 

I can’t believe he pulled this shit again. Well I mean I’m not mad at him. But it surprised me for sure. Does he mean what he did to me just now or not. Did he do that to get a reaction out of me. 

All the drowsiness/sleepiness I had in me is drained out now. All I can think about is that small little peck he laid on my lips. 

But me being me I couldn’t help but think of the bad. 

The what if’s getting into my head. But I couldn’t help myself but cry. Saying he doesn’t love you he’s just using you. He only wants a reaction. He wants to bring you up then lower you until no one can bring you up. Might as well cry myself to sleep. So that’s what I did. 

I wake up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat I can feel myself starting to panic I try so hard not to start panting. So as quickly as I can I go out of the room trying not to wake up Wonwoo. 

It’s like I wasn’t in control of my body of what I was doing now. 

I’m just walking to what feels right and that’s Jeonghan’s room. I open the door slowly as to not make any noise. I shut the door quietly as I go in. I walk quietly towards Jeonghan. 

“Jeonghan please wake up. Help me Jeonghan” I say while shaking him. He wakes up and looks at me “what’s wrong” he says while rubbing his eyes. “Help please. I’m scared” I whispered while crying a bit. 

I could feel him grab my wrist and pull me into an embrace. We’re facing each other well more of me facing his chest. All I do is bury my face in his chest while I wrap my arms around him. 

“Hey hey what’s wrong. Jihoon you know we’re all here for you” he said while rubbing my back. “I know it’s just something’s been bugging me and I can’t stop thinking about it” I said. “Is it about your crush” he asked. I just nod. “Jihoon listen to me it’s okay if they reject you. There’s many other people out there. Even if the person that rejected you is in the group that doesn’t mean they’re going to stop talking to you. Jihoon have confidence in yourself” he said. 

“I know but I can’t” I said while tightening my grip on him “Jeonghan it’s so hard to keep this away from you when I know you don’t like me” I said wait what the fuck did I just say. 

I could feel him go stiff. Shit what the fuck did I just do. 

“Shit um Jeonghan I’m s-sorry I’ll-I’ll just leave o-okay” I said while getting up off the bed. Fuck what did I just do. I messed up. 

I really messed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Omg guys I haven’t updated this in a long ass time but I finally did. Sorry I wasn’t updating it just I didn’t feel like it at times to do this but I want to finish it now so I’m back. 
> 
> The avengers endgame part made me cringe tho so ha
> 
> Hopefully I keep up with updates cause I need to. 
> 
> Anyways I hope you liked this chapter


	9. Confession

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jihoon and Jeonghan have a talk after what happened.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kudos and comments are appreciated

All I could do is run to the bathroom. I close the door and slide against the door. I put my legs close to my chest and hide my face. 

Why the fuck did I say that. How did I slip up that bad. He doesn’t like he doesn’t me he doesn’t like me. I keep repeating it over and over again in my head. 

Fuck and now I’m crying I can’t even handle a fucking rejection. How am I suppose to talk to him now when I know he doesn’t like me back. Am I just suppose to act like nothing happened. 

All I do is cause pain for myself. Why did I have to let my feelings get the best of me why just fucking why. 

I hear a knock on the door but I don’t respond I know it’s him I just know it. He knocks again “Hey Jihoon open the door please. We need to talk about what happened just now” he whispered. I didn’t respond or move a single inch. “Please Jihoon we need to talk about it” he whispered again. 

Fine I just want to get this over with and cry about my self pity. I get up quietly to go open the door. As I open the door I move to the side so he could get in. When he enters I go to close the door again. 

I don’t want to look at him. I don’t want him to see me weak even if he has seen me cry before. “Jihoon please look at me” he said. I don’t budge I keep looking down. 

All I feel is his hands on my face and I flinch away. No he can’t see me like this. I couldn’t help it but to start crying again. I move my hands to my face to wipe away the tears but to also keep my face hidden from him. 

I feel his hands on my wrist. He slowly removes my hands from my face. But I face down still not looking at him. He puts his hand on my face again and I let him do it. Why am I trying to run away from it I have to face it and get it over with. So I let him. 

He lifts up my face so I can see him. He looks at me and I look back but not for long. He starts wiping up the tears away that remained on my face. He goes to hug me and I let him.

“Everything is going to be fine” he said. But everything isn’t going to be fine. Everything is going to be fine for him but not for me. Nothing has ever been fine after I found out about my crush towards him. I’ve been crying every fucking day. I’ve been self doubting myself ever since. I start crying all over again and I grip at his pajama shirt. 

“No everything isn’t going to be okay. You say that but I can’t say the same. Jeonghan how can you say everything is going to be okay when you know someone as weak as me likes you” I said while crying. 

He grabs me by the butt and carries me. I cross my legs tightly around him never looking up. We sit down on the the floor but I never untangle my legs and I don’t look up. But I do loosen my arm around him in case he wants to talk I guess. 

He pulls us apart and smiles at me. He fucking smiles at me when I’m crying. His face inches closer to me and kisses the tear trails my crying made. “Why are you doing this. Do you want me to suffer or something. Because I already am. Or do you think this is funny” I said to him. But he acted like I didn’t say anything. 

He kept kissing my cheeks but when he stopped he put our noses together and looked at me. And I looked back. He leaned closer to me he’s so close to my lips that I want to back away but also see what happens. 

“I like you too Jihoon” he whispers and leans in to kiss me. I had a second to process what he said and started kissing back. 

It’s an innocent kiss no tongue or anything. We keep kissing until we need air to breathe. We take a breather and we keep kissing. I’ve been longing for this moment for so long and I finally have it. I put all my passion for him and longing for him into this kiss. When we stop kissing we’re a panting mess. We put our heads together and look at each other. 

I can feel myself blushing from the kiss. He rubs our noses together and smiles brightly at me. I couldn’t help myself but smile back. 

He backs up and puts space between us so we can talk better. “I like you Jihoon I always have” he said. 

“Remember the other day when you and Soonyoung were getting close. Yeah I didn’t like that yes you can say I was jealous. But that’s why I was trying to get him away from you” he said. “But why would you like me out of all the members. Why not Seungcheol or Jisoo. They are better then me” I said. 

“Jihoon I like because of so many things. You work so hard on every single one of our albums and songs I can tell you work on them with passion. You work day and night to make them perfect. You think of others even when you need it most. You always listen to everyone’s opinions. When someone needs to talk about their problems you always listen. Jihoon there are so many other things I like about you” he said. 

All I could do was bury my head on his neck. He really did like me didn’t he. He kissed my head and all I could do was purr at it. 

“I didn’t know you were responsive” he said teasingly. “Shut up” I said. I could hear him giggling. 

He started running his hand through my hair. It felt good that I was leaning in for more. We had a good distance between us but I was also aware that I was exposing my neck. 

I could see him going closer to my neck. “This is so everyone can see that you’re mine” he growled while nibbling and sucking at the skin of my neck. I couldn’t help myself but moan my neck is sensitive but I never really complain about it. He stopped nibbling and sucking on the skin when he left a purplish reddish mark on my neck. 

When he finished making the mark he started peppering kisses on my neck all the way up to my face. Then he stopped right below my lips and kissed me once again on the lips but I wasn’t complaining. The kiss only last for a few seconds and we broke apart. 

“We should go to sleep it’s late” he said. “Can I sleep with you” I asked. “Sure” he said while he got up while carrying me. 

When we got to his rooms front door I told him to put me down so he did. We quietly got in trying hard not to wake up Seungcheol. Thankfully we succeeded in doing so. 

Jeonghan got in the bed first then me. I had my back towards him so he put his arm around my waist and pulled me closer towards him. 

“Goodnight Jihoon” he said “Goodnight Jeonghan” I said right before I went into a deep slumber.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well guess who updated aha ya girl okay imma stop. 
> 
> This wasn’t a long chapter but whatever. 
> 
> Also my phone keeps acting up and I’m gonna kill it soon. 
> 
> Hopefully the next update will be soon.


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